Since the title of this blog probably has my significant other scared to hit the “enter” key, I will leave the title phrase for last. Amazing how this feeling of “power”, even a little bit of it, can raise me to the point of sheer delight; even if it is only for a moment. It is something I don’t get to feel to often in the “scare” department with Jeff. His alarm buttons do not work like everyone else’s and very few things scare or even shock him. When something is seen, said, or done that pisses him off, that’s when the fright explodes – from you or anyone else within a long-range hearing or reading distance. Very rarely is it because he is afraid or scared (I’ve not seen it yet).
On that note, let’s continue…
Three expressions have forever been imprinted into my internal database: “Howdy,” “Fuck Me Dead” and “Dammit Woman”. Though there are many other colorful expressions (and you can ask anyone who knows him!) used by the man I have given my heart to, the ones mentioned rank among my favorites. So, take a seat as I attempt to show you a mere glimpse of each one and it’s usage by a very idiosyncratic, loveable personality.
“Howdy” seems harmless enough, right? Taken out of the context usually used by this man it is merely a greeting, a five-letter word. However, it takes on a whole new meaning when the people from around the globe, who know him, see it flash across their screens. He not only uses it to start many posts on “his website”, it is also used to announce his presence on the “Animal List”: A very distinguished group of people in whose presence anyone would become awed, inspired, fascinated, humbled, uplifted -- never mind -- the list could go on indefinitely. I have included the link because my mild-mannered swearblogger (What? I can’t use those two words together, an oxymoron, maybe? This is just the beginning. This individual defies the word “rule” in every sense of the word) wrote the introduction. Take a peak. Nothing I could say will prepare you for it.
On the Animal List’s “Rules and Regulations” section you’ll see this warning:
“Do not start your posts with the word ‘Howdy.’”
They even give the explanation as to why:
“There is a particular list member whom we have granted exclusive rights for that word. The reason is that when you see that word, it is a warning to put your soda/coffee/tea/water down. Do NOT drink when reading his posts -- unless you like replacing keyboards. There have been several occasions where people have had to try to explain to the IT department what happened.”
In case you haven’t guessed whom they are talking about yet, I will include another segment that is listed under their “Obscenities” section:
“…Face it, the “list” is run by a guy whose street name was Animal. While cussing someone out is not allowed, there is going to be vulgarity, crude phrases, some seriously off-colored, unPC jokes, wild and...well, let's just say that there is "Bean" and leave it at that. People are allowed to swear here.”
After a short set of exchanged messages with Animal about these particulars, his last message to me was:
“Now you know why "Howdy" is reserved...”
And now you all know.
Hmmmm…what’s next? Oh yeah, “Fuck Me dead”. This one will probably be a little easier to understand, or will it?
The first memory of this phrase was in an IM. Seeing it immediately turned me on! Well, think about it. What a way to go! What? You don’t think that way – I do.
Nonetheless, this is not the intent of the words when typed by Jeff’s hands. Here are a few examples of his customary inclusions of the idiom:
“I don't think this is a rabbit hole at all. It looks more like a canal of some sort.”
”Let me have a closer look” said I, removing my 3D glasses. “Well fuck me dead! So indeed it is!”
And this:
"I've never seen a mock-turtle armed with either. And sandworms are too real! I saw one on the cover of one of those field guides you bought."
"That wasn't a field guide, Bill. It was Heretics of Dune."
"Look!" he screamed, pointing at the window. "It worked! Shai Hulud has come!"
I turned my head to look.
"That's not a sandworm, Bill. But she doesn't miss many meals does she? Holy shit! Look at the size of that order of wings! And a basket of fries, even! Fuck me dead! Ma gave me Easter baskets that were smaller than that, when I was a kid! Go inside for a second and eavesdrop. Her glass is nearly empty. I'll bet you a beer she orders a fuckin' diet soda!"
And one more, my lucky numbers are “3” and “13”. I am certain that you would in all likelihood torch your computer if I included 13 examples. But, I assure you they exist.
Fuckin' A, Davey-O!" said he. "One never knows what might be following, let alone whether or not it's chosen to forgive! Now what, exactly, did that 'dark the light' bit mean?"
"Fuck me dead if I know!" I said. "It probably has something to do with orgasms affecting 'cycles' or some such shite. Ain't got time to reason it out."
This phrase is like a chameleon, it changes it’s meaning at his will: surprise, questioning, stating the obvious. I guess that means it could indicate what I want it to, once or twice?
If you think it was easy finding these examples for you, think again. He uses the word “fuck” profusely. I had to scan oodles of material to find the right expression. I should have known!
Lastly, but definitely not least is “Dammit Woman”: Such an affectionate term. Well, it sure has become one to me. I have only experienced it three times (oooh, just realized my lucky number there). The first was in an email, dated Monday, April 23rd, that left me feeling so overwhelmed I cried tears of joy for hours. Leaving the contents of this letter to matters of the heart, I can say that this phrase became the one I preferred among all the rest at the very moment my eyes crossed the screen in front of it.
The second time was during my visit to Georgia. One of my friskier moments transpired when Jeff was sleeping. While Elvis was in the background singing “Whole Lot-a Shakin’ Goin’ On”, I was whispering questions into Jeff’s ear. The answers were coming out rather nicely (he talks in his sleep – a lot!) until I changed my tone to one of urgency. Then I heard it! “Dammit Woman, fine! Whatever you want!” LOL! LOL! LOL! I’m still laughing about it as I type. His voice had now turned to aggravated sweetness (another oxymoron for you) that escapes all comprehension through mere words. I loved it! Now I know what his voice sounded like as he put it to writing for the first example.
The third occurrence was just two nights ago. I guess it would be correct to say we were in a heated argument. However, when he gets on his soapbox, he melts the soap after destroying the container. As for me, I will stay perched on top calmly (a little calm?) waiting for the rebuttal candidate to finish, and then throw in my suggestions and opinions. Just when I thought there was no hope in sight, in saving him from the “Dark Side”, there it was: In black and white. That’s all it took for me to know everything was going to be all right.
Now, I think I have it figured out! However, knowing the source of this expression, it’s possible that the meaning still totally eludes me. But, I hear it every time he gets a little agitated with me (or a lot). Rather than lose his temper to any great extent, he says “Dammit Woman” – how sweet is that! It calms him a little bit maybe. I know it does me, anyway.
No attempted enlightenment, no matter how small, would be complete without an interposal of some sort from the source itself. I found this while perusing all the frickin’ blogs today:
OK, since everyone else out there in the blogosphere puts italicized background info at the bottom of every piece he/she composes, I'll do likewise.
David J. Bean (email him) is essentially a nutcase and ornery bastard (he insists he caught it from a toilet seat) who moonlights as a prick. He is a certified expert in the field of expertise, and is qualified to comment on damn-near everything -- even topics with which he isn't even remotely acquainted. He's probably smarter and better looking than you are, or at least thinks he is, at any rate. If you live in the states of Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, South Carolina, or Florida, he has probably mooned you on one occasion or another. This pretentious bit of horseshit is his way of gently mocking his "betters". He's incorrigibly antisocial, and eats too many turnips. He'll also hump your leg if you let him get too close to you after he's had a few beers.
And that’s not all. I found more of those ridiculous surveys he likes to take. Here are their titles and their answers to him:
Would You Choose Love or Money?
~Money may buy a little happiness, but not the happiness of true love
~You would rather have a true soul mate than a private jet
~And while many people may claim they would choose love too…you’re one of the few who would really do it...
What Personality Disorder Are You?
~Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!
~When you’re up, you’re a little bit crazy…(who are they trying to kid – a little bit!)
~And when you’re down, your whole world is crashing
~Scary thing is, these moods can change any minute!
This is my favorite!
How Scary Are You?
~You even scare scary people sometimes!
LOL! LOL! LOL! I almost peed my pants when I read that one.
If you think that you have a better understanding of this man after all this, then you’re a better person than I am. There are so many oxymorons when dealing with Jeff; I don’t even know where to begin. Every one of them could tip the scale in either direction at any given moment. What fun! You probably have come to the conclusion, however, that my life is going to be a far cry from boring. All I can say is, I look forward to finding out each and every trait first hand for a very long time!
Why Miss Maggie, I'm shocked! I hope you are only kidding about Jeff. You know he's my Bro, and I must take this time to say that it was truly a pleasure meeting you this past week, although I wish it had been under more pleasant circumstances. Could you please email me off list??? I have something of a professional nature to ask you. I'd be much obliged to you. And finally, I know this isn't my department, but thank you for being there for Mrs. Bean and Dave this past week during their most trying time. You were such a HUGE help to them, and I'm sure it's something they will thank you for forever.
J.R.
Posted by: J.R. | May 05, 2007 at 07:54 PM